Tuesday, September 07, 2010


It's like I have one, minus the weight loss.

All summer I've eaten like frickin' Michael Phelps. It was not uncommon for me to have four bowls of cereal for breakfast. At lunch one day I ate five grilled cheeses. FIVE. No one under any circumstances should ever eat five grilled cheese sandwiches in one sitting. I often drew stares from the other senior staff, two of which were girls that picked at salads for every meal. I was a force to be reckoned with, an all-consuming machine that could have given any professional Asian hot dog eater a run for his money.

Holy fat American.

Here's the catch though: I was actually hungry all the time. At least at camp this was permissible. I was active all day every day, in and out of the water and running up and down "heart attack" hill (picture Copneconic's waterfront hill plus 20 yards and really steep metal stairs) a million times a day. You name it, I did it: lugging Igloos, hauling kayaks, trying incessantly to start leaf blowers, rolling underwater weights, swimming to what felt like the absolutely center of Lake Huron to rescue a hysterical bipolar camper who definitely should not have been allowed in a kayak by himself. I moved all day long. So it was maybe slightly understandable that I would want seven pieces of pizza by noon every day.

I do not move all day long anymore, but my daily menu hasn't changed much. I live with the two pickiest eaters on the planet. It is a miracle that my mother is still alive, as she eats no fruits or vegetables whatsoever. The woman's diet is composed of Kendall Jackson and Twizzlers. All she eats is junk, a tendency that has been passed down to my brother. All we have in the house is processed junk. Which I like a fair amount of, and eat because I'm hungry. So my dietary habits remain messed up and extremely unhealthy.

I eat the most random things. Today it was:

2 bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
leftover sweet and sour chicken
cheese (what day isn't complete without cheese?)
Reeses cups (2, duh)
Jets Pizza (surprisingly, I only had one piece. But I did make salad pizza - antipasto salad piled on a crispy Jets slice. Try it)
2 Pop Tarts?

A third of what I ate today was processed, sugary breakfast food. I am not sure where my penchant arose for this crap. Reverting back to childhood perhaps?

1/6 was candy.

There actually were some veggies in the SS chicken. Probably not real veggies though. Weird mutant veggies to compliment the weird mutant comestibles that make up Chinese takeout.

A third was cheese.

I am going to get scurvy and die.

Oh well! It's funny.



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