Sing, Muse

I have come to the conclusion that O Rings is becoming boring. A certain Musketeer suggested that I liven it up with stories from my life.

Here's the skinny: most of the time I just generally suck. I buy things I can't afford, I procrastinate, my armpit hair grows alarmingly fast, and my life has no direction. I can, however, tell a mean story. If you think the kinds of ridiculous things that happen to me and my family are funny, that is.

Here are a few gems from my childhood:

Stouffer's Child Abuse

My mother once whacked me on the head with frozen Stouffer's mac and cheese. My offense? Walking around the kitchen saying, "I'm growing! I'm growing!"

Laundry Hamper

Once, during a spirited game of hide-and-seek at my aunt and uncle's house, I thought it would be a good idea to hide in a laundry hamper. I ended up busting the thing trying to extract my stocky, 9-year-old self from it after being found. Seriously, the thing literally exploded. The lid fell off, all the sides came off, etc. I tried to put it back together the best I could, but to no avail, as my uncle (step-uncle, actually. He's kind of an asshole) later discovered the pile of white, faux-rattan splinters that was once his treasured laundry hamper. He flipped out, told my parents, and made me buy a new one. Yes. I was 9, and consequentially had no income. It took me about a year and a half to save up the $13.50 needed to replace his stupid, tacky hamper. Oh yeah, and it was from Walmart. Pfff. Whatever, dude.

Another Favorite Stuck Story

When I was in third grade, we took a trip to Vermont to go skiing. It was my mom, my stepdad, their good friends, and their son Skylar, who's 2 years younger than me. The adults in this party are quite fond of the drink, and ended up spending most of their nights aprés ski in the zoo bar. This left us bambinos to entertain ourselves in the hotel, mainly by consuming mass amounts of sugar, cannon-balling into the hottub, ordering Pay Per View movies, and generally just wreaking havoc. You know when you go to a hotel and there's sometimes a door that opens up to just another door, with like a 10-inch space in between? Well, I thought it would be entertaining to see if Skylar would fit between the two doors. He was naturally apprehensive, so I generously wedged myself into the space to show him how safe it was. He slammed and locked the other door, leaving me freaking out and flattened* inside for about 5 minutes while he laughed hysterically. Typical. This is the same trip during which I fell asleep eating Nerds and woke up with them plastered all over my body. Also, I got up and danced on a bar during this excursion. That was the first and last time that has ever happened, and I was 8.
*Note: there is a certain posture associated with this incident. Ask me to demonstrate sometime