OMGZ LOL BFF

In fourth grade, I began dating a boy named Stephen Telmos. We managed to last for a week, which, in fourth grade, was considered a fairly serious relationship. On that Friday, at our school's weekly skating party, Stephen Telmos broke my heart. I went to the bathroom and came back only to find him skating hand in hand with Lindsey Tierney. I was crushed.

Honestly, what did Lindsey Tierney have that I didn't? I was a cute nine-year-old, and Stephen and I had so much in common: we both liked to play with Tech Decks (those mini skateboards. Does anyone remember them?) pogs, and yo-yos. I fondly remember stealing Stephen's erasers and having a spirited powdered sugar fight with him when our class got doughnuts on Halloween. We were a perfect match, and Stephen chose to leave me for a stringy-haired, brace-faced, professional wrestling-obsessed creature who couldn't've cared an iota about Stephen's impressive "slammer" collection or his knowledge of South Park. He just wanted a girl who would put out; a girl who'd hold his hand while skating to Jock Jams at the roller rink.

Stephen was my first and last boyfriend, and as much as I joke about him traumatizing me for life, I can't say I'm all that genuinely disappointed. Boyfriends often seem like more trouble than they're worth. My friends can contest that I often complain about being alone all the time, but in reality, I deeply value my (perpetual) solitude. I can choose not to shave my legs for two weeks. I never have to worry about anyone "just not being that into" me. If I wanted to, I could slut myself around and I wouldn't be pissing anyone off. Unfortunately, as a cautious, monogamous person who's not really into random physical encounters, I am doomed to wander the earth alone for the rest of my days. To be completely honest, I don't know why I'd even bother trying to date a guy at this point in the game. We all know that I'm strange and obnoxious and they'd just leave anyway.

Whatevs, life as a spinster isn't all that bad. Nothing's expected of me, and I'm reasonably OK with that.

Sidenote: In the second paragraph I used a double contraction (counld't've). I don't know if those even exist or not, but it was pretty cool. That's all I got.