I find

lake > shower with hard water

ice cream out > ice cream at home

not having piece of charcoal stuck in your toe > having piece of charcoal stuck in your toe

regular stapler > weird "one-touch" stapler. Unless you are an infant you should not have trouble pressing down on a stapler enough to hear both punches.

As you may or may not have noticed, I haven't been present lately. Sorry for my truancy, I work at a summer camp with the slowest Internet connection on the planet and my phone is either dead, roaming with no service or picking up Canadian providers (Rogers? Really? I AM AMERICAN). Here are some things:

1. my staff are hilarious. Yesterday they brought down this giant poster of some random woman that they stole from a store and spread it out on the beach. I came in from inflating the toys to find a bunch of campers sitting on this woman's neck. Maybe you had to be there. One of my staff is legitimately the hairiest person alive and is locked in a bitter beard-off with one of the waterski people. Don't worry parents, that's not the Unibomber lifeguarding your child. It's just an exceptionally hairy 19-year-old.

2. we've found evidence of a ritual animal sacrifice on our beach. I am for serious. The other day we found scattered bones and what looks like a sheep skull tied to a tree. A few weeks ago we found a rotting gutted carcass behind the waterski shed. I'm going to put two and two together here and say it's a satanic cult. No biggie.

3. went to wedding reception of bartender from shady bar down the road. One woudl think crashing a stuck-in-the-80's wedding full of bikers and Bud Light would yield some timeless memories. It was disappointingly normal. I wish I had an outrageous story to tell, but I don't. Thanks for having us, Bartender Nancy!

4. I still can't write, think, or speak. I am basically a vegetable. But I am certified to guard your life. So I got that going for me. Which is nice (name that film).

5. I can't stop eating and am going to continue the cycle right now. Goodbye.