Onion Rings

Hiatus

2010-10-30T11:29:00.002-04:00

I never write in here anymore, but it seems wrong to just let Onion Rings sit and rot. So, consider this its (potentially reversible?) eulogy.

Feel free to come back and visit the grave once and awhile - there are some real humdingers on this thing. 2007 in particular is my favorite issue.

I may be back. I might not.

And with that, my signature sign off:

Kbye!

MLA

This blog post is not related to food.

2010-09-19T11:10:00.003-04:00

Okay, so the title is related to food.

On to the post:

1. I keep hearing some concert being advertised on the radio including "the return of Marcy Playground." Yes, the same Marcy Playground that sang that weird sex and candy song from the 90's. I don't know about you, but if there's one band I'd want to see come back it's Marcy Playground (?) Obviously times are tough.

2. If my hair were a type of foliage it would be kudzu vine right now. It's taking over the world. At least I look the part of poor jobless hippie.

3. Sub list. Here are some things that are nice about the start of autumn:
a. cider mills and all they entail
b. football
c. sweaters
d. GOURDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got bored while writing this so I'm ending this post.

Ciao

Tapeworm

2010-09-07T22:50:00.003-04:00

It's like I have one, minus the weight loss.

All summer I've eaten like frickin' Michael Phelps. It was not uncommon for me to have four bowls of cereal for breakfast. At lunch one day I ate five grilled cheeses. FIVE. No one under any circumstances should ever eat five grilled cheese sandwiches in one sitting. I often drew stares from the other senior staff, two of which were girls that picked at salads for every meal. I was a force to be reckoned with, an all-consuming machine that could have given any professional Asian hot dog eater a run for his money.

Holy fat American.

Here's the catch though: I was actually hungry all the time. At least at camp this was permissible. I was active all day every day, in and out of the water and running up and down "heart attack" hill (picture Copneconic's waterfront hill plus 20 yards and really steep metal stairs) a million times a day. You name it, I did it: lugging Igloos, hauling kayaks, trying incessantly to start leaf blowers, rolling underwater weights, swimming to what felt like the absolutely center of Lake Huron to rescue a hysterical bipolar camper who definitely should not have been allowed in a kayak by himself. I moved all day long. So it was maybe slightly understandable that I would want seven pieces of pizza by noon every day.

I do not move all day long anymore, but my daily menu hasn't changed much. I live with the two pickiest eaters on the planet. It is a miracle that my mother is still alive, as she eats no fruits or vegetables whatsoever. The woman's diet is composed of Kendall Jackson and Twizzlers. All she eats is junk, a tendency that has been passed down to my brother. All we have in the house is processed junk. Which I like a fair amount of, and eat because I'm hungry. So my dietary habits remain messed up and extremely unhealthy.

I eat the most random things. Today it was:

2 bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
leftover sweet and sour chicken
cheese (what day isn't complete without cheese?)
Reeses cups (2, duh)
Jets Pizza (surprisingly, I only had one piece. But I did make salad pizza - antipasto salad piled on a crispy Jets slice. Try it)
2 Pop Tarts?

A third of what I ate today was processed, sugary breakfast food. I am not sure where my penchant arose for this crap. Reverting back to childhood perhaps?

1/6 was candy.

There actually were some veggies in the SS chicken. Probably not real veggies though. Weird mutant veggies to compliment the weird mutant comestibles that make up Chinese takeout.

A third was cheese.

I am going to get scurvy and die.

Oh well! It's funny.

Laterz

MLA

Out on the Razzle

2010-09-02T14:05:00.002-04:00

There are some things I take for granted. For example, the fact that my mother is a talented artist. I've grown up surrounded by prints and paintings and weird mixed media creations unlike anything that has ever been sprung into the universe before. Her brain works so differently from mine. I should stop to appreciate it more often.

I am going to aim for more 5 to 7-sentence posts. It's just a nice, snappy length.

Shalom!

Relic Hunters

2010-08-18T18:10:00.002-04:00

Today I unearthed some more Mad Libs from years gone by. Apparently long car rides inspire immense creativity.

Description of the Lovely Group That I Am In
"We are having a perfectly lunar time this evening in the pasteurized home of Emily. The rooms are decorated genuinely with many stylish gills that must have cost at least -1 dollars. The guests are all hectic conversationalists and are all dressed paranoid. Maggie has been entertaining us by telling about the time she showed her grisly plateau to Emily's mom, who mistook it for an early American pod. The refreshments are rusty and the idea of serving salad dressing on the rocks showed symmetrical imagination. Visiting here is always an embroidered experience."

I hate when people show their grisly plateaus to my mother.

Advice to Prospective Parents
"Congratulations to all of you sticky mothers and solidified fathers. You are about to give birth to a funnel. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy pine tree. You will have to get up at 4 AM to give the little rubber its bottle of spidery Mountain Dew. Later, when he's 12 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little hoses around the house. And in no time he'll be talking atrociously and calling you his "fern" and "pants." It's no wonder they call them little bundles of bricks!"

I would NOT want to give birth to a funnel. But I suppose it might be easier than giving birth to a 7-10 pound human being.

Army Information
"If you plan on joining the army, here are some yellow hints that will help you become an exploding soldier. The army is made up of officers, non-coms, and yo-yo's. You can recognize and officer by the fire and brimstone on his shoulders and the skunk on his cap. When you address an officer, always say "Waterfowl!" and salute splendidly. If you get a wicked haircut, keep your wigwams shined, and see that your oar is clean at all times, you will be a credit to the slogan, "The army builds wombs." And at roll call, when the uncanny sergeant calls your name, shout "JESUS CHRIST!" loud and clear. Also, become familiar with basic weapons, such as the 0.30 yuletide carol and the automatic YMCA. Follow this advice and in no time you will win the yummy conduct Yugoslav."

WATERFOWL!

Ramblin' Gamblin' (Wo)Man

2010-08-17T12:19:00.002-04:00

Camp ended yesterday, thus beginning my life as a cliche basement-dwelling college grad.

I cannot live here for long. It will eat my soul. I love my family and I need to be relatively close to them - staying in Michigan for the time being is a must - but I hate how lazy I get when I'm at home for a long time. It's kind of nice when my mom does my laundry, makes me things like macaroni and cheese with hotdogs, takes me grocery shopping and essentially treats me like a 7-year-old. But I can only take it for so long. I need an active, independent lifestyle.

I also need a lifestyle that involves procuring money. I presently have about $2,000 in the bank. That is not a lot of money to put towards loan payments, bills, car repairs, and all that other grownup bullshit. My dismal teaching job search dictates that continuing to sub would be my best option. I have to admit, for a part-time gig, subbing isn't half bad. It's decent money, if you actually do your job you'll be requested by schools regularly, certified teachers are guaranteed work, it's a great learning opportunity and the schedule is ridiculously flexible. And you can do it anywhere. Teachers fail to show up all over the place.

Thus, wherever I go, wherever I park my cardboard box, I can at the very least sub and make enough money to scratch by. I might need to defer my loans and keep my food assistance, but I could feasibly make it anywhere.

Enough jabberwocky; here are my "anywhere" options:

1. Keep freeloading. Besides the obvious perks (no rent, free food), I could tolerate living with my mom for a little while. Since I've either been at college or camp for the past five years, I've haven't spent much time at home and feel kind of disconnected from my kinfolk. I miss everyday domestic life - the little triumphs and trials that make up a household with school-aged kids. When I came home yesterday my brother was so excited to tell me that he had made the freshman soccer team. It made me smile and reflect on the fact that life has been marching on in my family. Particularly, on my dad's side, recent events have reminded me how important family is. It would be nice to remain close enough to see my dad often and support him on the road ahead. Cons include getting fat (all these people eat is junk food. I swear), lack of independence (we have no such rule, but I still feel obligated to tell my mommy/ask permission whenever I go somewhere. Hate it), boredom, and guilt from feeling like a mooch. However, all in all, living at home is a solid contender.

2. Flint I've wanted to live in Flint since the Copneconic days. Something about the combination of 'hood, history and working-class culture has always drawn me to the area, not to mention my own personal experiences there and the GFA people I'm close to. Housing in Flint is dirt cheap for obvious reasons, and depending on where you look it can be challenging to find safe and reputable places. I'm willing to shop around. The original plan was to find a place with KMFP/other people, but now that she's po' too that may not be happening. It would be both a drawback and a perk to live alone. I wouldn't mind it as it would certainly afford me all the independence in the world, but I'm not sure it's a good idea for a little white girl to live alone in Flint. Not too sure about money either. I don't know if I can make enough to support myself in unshared housing. Anyway, I miss my cozy, quirky little apartment in the A and could easily see myself living in a cute, Flint-y place if I can find one.

3. Oh, and speaking of getting fat, could always move in with the MFP fam. That would basically be like living at home with more animals and lard-based foods.

4. Grand Rapids My friend is moving out there to sub and would like a roommate. I don't know the city well, but what I've seen I absolutely love. I think moving to Grand Rapids would be good for me. It would be like moving somewhere far away when in fact I'd still be reasonably close to friends and family. The economy is supposed to be better on the west side of the state, so that might open more doors as far as teaching and other employment is concerned. Grap is extraordinarily diverse, has a young population and tons of art, cultural, and recreational opportunities. I lived with this friend for the beginning of student teaching and I know it'd be a hoot, plus I have a hand full of pals in that area. Most importantly, it would be fun to live someplace with a cool nickname like Grap.

So, in the next few weeks, one or none of these things will be happening.

Until then, I will continue to abide by my mantra, which has served me well since I used it as my senior quote:

What comes next? Just bust a move.

Homelessly yours,

MLA

Things I learned this summer

2010-08-16T22:09:00.003-04:00

1. how to sing the Israeli national anthem

2. how to use a power drill. I'm ashamed that I didn't know how before. What kind of tomboy did I think I was?

3. the Bad Romance dance

I like the expression "on the horn." As in "Get on the horn with the loan people and make sure you're not delinquent." This is the exact message my father conveyed to me in our first telephone conversation since having his jaw wired. Interesting. The man had a brush with death, but thankfully he's still on top of his credit rating.

I also like laying on the floor. It's very freeing.

I might move to Grand Rapids?

Well, bye.

MLA

We should applaud them.

2010-07-19T16:02:00.003-04:00

Wow. This slightly challenges stereotypes of people with autism spectrum disorders.

Asperger's aside, he is hot. And can surf.

I find

2010-07-19T10:31:00.002-04:00

lake > shower with hard water

ice cream out > ice cream at home

not having piece of charcoal stuck in your toe > having piece of charcoal stuck in your toe

regular stapler > weird "one-touch" stapler. Unless you are an infant you should not have trouble pressing down on a stapler enough to hear both punches.

As you may or may not have noticed, I haven't been present lately. Sorry for my truancy, I work at a summer camp with the slowest Internet connection on the planet and my phone is either dead, roaming with no service or picking up Canadian providers (Rogers? Really? I AM AMERICAN). Here are some things:

1. my staff are hilarious. Yesterday they brought down this giant poster of some random woman that they stole from a store and spread it out on the beach. I came in from inflating the toys to find a bunch of campers sitting on this woman's neck. Maybe you had to be there. One of my staff is legitimately the hairiest person alive and is locked in a bitter beard-off with one of the waterski people. Don't worry parents, that's not the Unibomber lifeguarding your child. It's just an exceptionally hairy 19-year-old.

2. we've found evidence of a ritual animal sacrifice on our beach. I am for serious. The other day we found scattered bones and what looks like a sheep skull tied to a tree. A few weeks ago we found a rotting gutted carcass behind the waterski shed. I'm going to put two and two together here and say it's a satanic cult. No biggie.

3. went to wedding reception of bartender from shady bar down the road. One woudl think crashing a stuck-in-the-80's wedding full of bikers and Bud Light would yield some timeless memories. It was disappointingly normal. I wish I had an outrageous story to tell, but I don't. Thanks for having us, Bartender Nancy!

4. I still can't write, think, or speak. I am basically a vegetable. But I am certified to guard your life. So I got that going for me. Which is nice (name that film).

5. I can't stop eating and am going to continue the cycle right now. Goodbye.

YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!

2010-07-02T19:20:00.004-04:00

UPDATE UPDATE

Tonight is my last night in Albion.

2010-06-11T00:55:00.002-04:00

There's nothing else to say about that. It's been a good run.

2010-06-04T18:25:00.002-04:00

No title? Can this happen?

This evening I like:

freshly sharpened pencils
the sound of a million barrettes clicking as little girls run on the playground
apple slices with extra sharp cheddar cheese
Combos
camping/health center chairs
skanky, stringy cutoffs that can only be permissibly worn at summer camp jobs
my new raincoat even though it isn't raining
sitars
breezes
moths

Big News

2010-06-01T19:45:00.001-04:00

Blogging died.

We wouldn't have to eat Kraft dinner

2010-05-26T14:16:00.003-04:00

But we would eat Kraft dinner. Of course we would, we'd just eat more.

Speaking of eating, I can't stop. I made this delicious avocado/crab stuff and it's deadly. I'm finna have a coronary. However, I just laid out for two hours to improve my base and hopefully avoid extreme lifeguard tan lines in the future. Tan is supposed to be slimming, so I'm hoping it'll cancel out. Right? Right.

As my final moving home day approaches, I am realizing more and more that I greatly value the things this community has taught me. Aside from the primarily abysmal college scene, I have met so many wonderful people here who do great things for this town. There is a lot of history and culture in Albion that people definitely overlook.

And of course I will miss my fourth grade crazies, and all the other bambinos I've come to know and love through subbing.

Remember Maymester? Well, it's happening now. So weird to see college kids in the same position I was in a year ago. They're all stressed out and don't know what they're doing, which can be funny at times. Hard to believe I was just there and now I'm a real teacher (albeit inexperienced).

I like that Facebook chat essentially killed AIM.

I am excited to get back to doing absurd things on the daily, as I don't know many people whose job involves running around with a knife in the strap of their swimsuit. I am also outrageously amped to work with a certain ex-Artichoke, who is in charge of keeping the CITs off of each other long enough to learn something this summer. Hooray for dovetailing social circles.

Did you know that Taylor Momson person was Cindy Lou Who in the Grinch movie?

I like the word philandering. Though I guess it should be done sparingly?

Anyway, bye!

I'm feelin' like a star, you can't stop my shine,

MLA

Hangovers

2010-05-16T16:16:00.002-04:00

I probably haven't had as many as most people my age, but here is a bit about them.

Some people get head-achy hangovers. I've always been more of the stomach type, but it really depends on what I drank. Liquor tends to produce nausea all the next day - terrible. For some reason a mixture of beer and liquor and/or many different kinds of liquor leads to feeling like I did five hours of step aerobics the night before. Although it's beer only for me these days so I suppose I've outgrown that problem.

Eggs are the best hangover food. Gatorade, water and pop (not the kind of pop you used as a mixer the night before) are necessary.

Hair of the dog doesn't work.

Naps work wonders, as does MJ.

Everyone uses different expressions to describe their hungover state. I always say I feel like I got hit by a train. "I'm never drinking again" is common, as is "I'm dying." Some people just moan. Hungover people are the ones most likely to be described as looking like death warmed over or dragged through hell backwards.

Hangover apparel can be interesting too. Depending on how the night went, some hungover people can be found wearing strange combinations of others' clothing, such as football sweatshirts over last night's dress. Barefoot with shoes in hand is the cliche, although it's worth noting that walk of shame does not always equal hangover. I tend to get hot hangover flashes so soccer shorts or pj pants are standard.

Eating helps some people feel better, for others, it just makes them feel worse. I play for both of these teams.

I wonder if anyone has every died of a hangover? I mean, people die of dehydration and that's all a hangover is. What a terrible way to go.

Bizarrely, I am not hungover right now.

Not complaining.

Is blogging uncool now? I guess I never got the memo.

Out on bail, fresh outta jail, California dreamin,

MLA

More Cherished Memories

2010-05-12T10:52:00.002-04:00

"Here is the church, here is the steeple.
Open the door, where are all the people?
Across the street and into the bar, open the door,
THERE THEY ARE!"

We're not a religious family.

"Whoever smelt it dealt it."
"Whoever denied it supplied it."
"Whoever made the rhyme did the crime."

I'm sure there are more of these out there...

"My mother hit your mother in the nose. What color was the blood?
B-L-U-E spells blue and you are not it for the rest of this game you
Dirty dirty dishrag YOU!"

I can't think of a better way to decide who's it.

There was also this disturbing rhyme about spiders crawling up your back, blood dripping down, nooses, etc. The other person would draw patterns on your back.

And of course Miss Suzy and her tugboat. That one's still around, thank heavens.

Does anyone else remember this filth?

Seriously, I must've just gone to a satanic elementary school.

Got everything in my mama name (literally),

MLA

Autistic Cat

2010-05-10T21:12:00.002-04:00

I own one.

Odd things she does:

- goes in the wet shower after someone gets out and just sits on the floor staring at the walls. Cats don't like water?

- lies at the edge where the floor meets the wall.

- loves rolling around on the green carpet in our apt hallway.

- "barks" at people

- obsesses over pens and pencils. Likes to chew them, bat them around, etc.

She's special.

There are a lot of really pathetic songs out right now. "The best part of me was always you." Honestly? Shouldn't the best part of you be you? Also, that is borderline creepy. And don't even get me started on that ridiculous Lady Antebellum song about drunk dialing. People, please.

Growing a little tired of the daily grind. Ready for camp.

Other things for which I am ready include the World Expo of Beer, Cedar Point season and not being alabaster-toned.

I lay it down so hard I got a bed rash,

MLA

Sad and long? But mostly sad. Sorry.

2010-05-06T12:28:00.003-04:00

My uncle Bruce passed away two months ago, so it seems strange to be posting about him now. I also didn’t know him very well. I only ever had but one or two good conversations with him, as he was the quietest and least batshit-crazy of my aunts and uncles.

But I think about him all the time, and today it occurred to me how much I truly admired him.

You would never have known my uncle Bruce was a hero just from talking to him. He did so much for his family and his community – more than even his own family members realized.

When I walked into my uncle’s visitation in March, I was primarily overwhelmed by the number of people there. I was also struck by my observation that Bruce, who somehow managed to be both an ethical and a successful lawyer, was being actively remembered by individuals from all walks of life. After the service, my dad and I were standing by the funeral home doors when we noticed a man who seemed particularly out of place. He was alone, extraordinarily tall, and wore gold-toed boots and a cowboy hat. After running through our extensive lineage of second and third cousins, neither of us could place him. My father introduced himself to the man, who explained that he had gotten into some trouble with the law when he was younger. Bruce represented him for a minimal fee, and he credited my uncle with helping him turn his life around. Many of the men from Bruce’s firm told stories about his genuine fairness and love of the law.

We’re a sailing family, and when it came to working on a boat Bruce was particularly unparalleled. Though he was the oldest child, he was a small man and usually served as the frontboard man on sailing trips. The frontboard job is arguably the most dangerous on the boat, as it involves hanging off the side to fix lines, etc. During rough storms, Bruce would basically risk his life by repeatedly volunteering to climb up into the rigging to tack the boat. It was a job no one else was willing or able to do, and he never complained.

Bruce ran marathons, raced and worked on cars, was a solid hockey player, a good snow and waterskiier. I remember as a kid being so impressed with his ability to take off on one ski from sitting on the dock. He had a kickass 70's mustache and an awesome smile. He was known for his voracious appetite. During his eulogy, one of his coworkers told a story about Bruce demolishing eight roast beef sandwiches from Arby’s. While he was going through chemo. Less than a month before he died.

He was also a best friend to my dad. Though he had almost 15 years on my father, Bruce and my dad were always close. They co owned our boat and spent lots of time working on it and sailing together. Bruce gave my dad legal and practical advice, and they both shared an affinity for justice. Just before he died, Bruce gave my dad a plain manila envelope. My dad opened it, expecting it to be some sentimental letter or a bucket list of things my dad should do during his life. It was indeed a list. A list of things that needed to be fixed on the boat before it could go back in the water this summer. Bruce did the things he loved right up to the very end. He never stopped living.

My dad framed and hung his brother’s hockey jersey in his office. My grandfather asked me to be the frontboard man in the Port Huron-Mackinac race this summer.

I remember my uncle. He was a quiet hero and a great man.

Are there heroes in your family? Look closely. Maybe there's one you've never noticed.

I keep her runnin' back n' forth. Soccer team,

Chicka chicka MLA

I Have To Push The Pram A Lot

2010-05-03T16:41:00.003-04:00

All I want in life right now is steak and a baked potato.

Well, maybe not ALL I want in life. Sorry I keep mincing words. I suppose I could just go back and delete the shit that's inaccurate or doesn't make sense. I am using a computer, not a chisel

Here are some gems from the thugs and shawties I taught today:

(to girl wearing Wonder Woman t shirt) "Man, you makin' Wonder Woman look bigger than she is."

(to person passing around box of Runts) "You bout to hand a entire box of candy to some black people? You ain't never gonna get it back."

"It smell like M'dea up in here!"

Oh lord.

Also have picked up some Albion-isms in the past few months. I definitely switch registers when talking to my kids. "Fittin' ta (short for "fixin' to", also can be further shortened to fittna)," "Girrrrl," "Trippin'" and "triflin'" are all regular parts of my lexicon.

No wonder my vocab is for crap.

Additionally, remember when MTV actually played music? Example:

Like I said, I've been on a grunge kick. Mostly just a PJ kick that's lasted 10 years.

Welp, it's finna rain and I need to close the windows.

Ladies is pimps too, go'n brush your shoulders off,

MLMLMLA

A Lengthy Post About Moccasins

2010-05-01T14:18:00.005-04:00

Moccasins are they best type of shoe. There is rarely a situation in which it is not appropriate to wear moccasins. Well, maybe not rarely.

I have owned many pairs of moccasins in my life, starting with a white beaded pair that I rocked at age 6.

There were the fringed ankle boot moccasins I got the summer before third grade. My grandmother bought them for me in some tacky, typically Up North gift shop. As I was at the peak of my Little House on the Prairie obsession, I was head over leather heels for them.

There was my first pair of shearling hard sole slippers that I wore to the death starting in high school with my uniform and ending two summers ago when they became camp shoes. Over time the lining became absolutely revolting. The rubber soles wore until they were bald, causing many a slip on icy campus sidewalks and kitchen floors. My mother was always on my case about those things. She never missed an opportunity to remind me that I was wearing SLIPPERS in PUBLIC.

My next pair was a fringy, actual-shoe variety from Kirkey's. I coveted those things for months before I finally bought them. Over time, salt and moisture have caused the fringe to flip up a little, especially in the back by my heels. These moccasins are wonderful. The unending fringe has always reminded me of the "dryer monster" in the car wash (see photo). Now considered my weekend beater moccasins, I still sport these proudly.

This year we discovered The Country's Largest Moccasin Store in Coldwater. Heaven. On. Earth. Huge warehouse of moccasins. I about died. In the past six months I've purchased two pairs. Both were expensive.

The first was a new pair of gorgeous shearling slippers, this time without hard soles so I won't be tempted to wear them outside and ruin them. Putting them on at the end of a day on your feet is a positively ethereal experience.

The second installments are moose hide and very practical. They look like grandma shoes. To my delight, I can get away with teaching in them because they're very unassuming. The leather is the softest I've ever felt. They are divine. I'm forcing myself to take care of them so they'll last.

Are you honestly surprised that I was able to write that much about moccasins?

Hey, what was good enough for the Indians is good enough for me.

If you read this you deserve a pat on the back.

Homie wanna kick it but know I don't play soccer,

MLA

Napkins

2010-04-21T11:51:00.002-04:00

Since the stuff I'm about to write about in this post is way too important to ever have been forgotten, I wrote my ideas on a napkin throughout yesterday and this morning. I have never once written anything on a napkin, so this was a first.

Anyway, here is what so desperately needed to be remembered for later:

- I recently saw two very negative church signs. "Dusty bibles lead to dirty lives" and "Dear God, I have a problem - it's me." Gotta love the guilt. I know that's what God's all about, after all. I mean, Jesus made people feel guilty on a daily basis. I'll never understand.

- I dislike small dogs. A dog is a dog. Dogs are descendants of wolves, and wolves are massive and badass. Breeding dogs so tiny that the word "teacup" is included in their name is an unnatural practice. How in the world can you play frisbee with a dog if it's smaller than the frisbee? And why would you want to carry your dog around everywhere? For fuck's sake have a kid if that's what you want, or at the very least buy yourself a baby doll. NOT the point of having a dog.

- I just enjoyed the best lunch ever. Leftover Mexican from Los Tres with an ice cold cerveza. I realize it is not even noon. Not pathetic. This is how the Europeans do lunch, right? Right...

- I also do not like Shania Twain.

- It pleases me to think that a napkin with "napkins, little dogs, church signs, lunch, Shania Twain" written on it will soon be floating around in some faraway landfill.

Aren't you smarter now for having read all that?

Figured as much.

I'm that Red Bull. Now let's fly away,

MLA

Can You Help Me? I Can't Find My Brain

2010-04-14T13:40:00.002-04:00

That title is from an Ozzie Osbourne song.

And while I may be able to use my brain to remember Ozzie Osbourne lyrics and apply them to a blog post, I am unable to use it to spell words.

I used to be an excellent speller. I can't drive a stick, do long division or hit a golf ball, but my incompetence at any of these things was always made up for by my ability to spell English words quickly and accurately. As a kid I won three class spelling bees and habitually produced 100% spelling tests. I am not sure what chemicals I was exposed to between the ages of 10 and 21 because now my spelling knowledge (and vocabulary in general) have gone to shit.

Here is a list of words that have given me trouble recently:

resurrected
siren
catapult
jalapeno
cabinet

Yup. College education.

My mama didn't raise no fool,

MLA

Count Bessie

2010-04-13T19:31:00.004-04:00

I just graduated from college. All loose ends are tied up. I don't have any tests, certifications, projects, readings, or any other academic obligations hanging over my head. Although I don't have a big-kid job in my field, I am working regularly and finally making money after being a poor college kid for four years. I have time to see my friends and family now. I have a cat and a cute apartment. My schedule is flexible.

I am enjoying a new brand of freedom; one that I did not get to taste when I was in school.

My summer job kicks ass.

I am pretty happy. For now, anyway. As of 7:47 PM on April 13th, 2010, I am happy.

And now here is a clip from my favorite television show having to do with a musical chicken.

Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon,

MLA

A Mixed Bag

2010-04-09T10:12:00.003-04:00

People should really learn how to load the dishwasher properly.

I don't think Modern Family is that funny. Amusing, but not as uproarious as it's made out to be. I know, I know. I don't have a soul.

On another note, here is a list of famous virgins. Really, Ed Gein?

On a different note, I am going to start signing off my blog posts with rap lyrics.

What they doin? Hatin' on us. What we doin? Gettin money,

MLA

Looojaieossc

2010-04-07T17:22:00.005-04:00

If you're playing the new British version of Scrabble and could pass it off as someone's name or a place, you could use this word for points.

Dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Oh well. There's always Twister, the game of Life and other non zombie-related boardgames.

My Bed

2010-04-04T22:15:00.002-04:00

My bed is the best place on earth. There is little in my life that trumps getting into my bed and sleeping.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not really THAT lazy. And don't jump the gun and start lumping me in with the morbidly obese, the severely depressed, the terminally ill, the 18th century female lunatics and other typically bedridden folks who tend to be portrayed negatively. I do love being out in the world. I love doing things. I like to be busy.

However, I also love laying in bed.

A lot.

Getting into bed is usually the very best part of my day, and though the world says I should be ashamed of that, I'm not. We've been conditioned by society to believe that sleep is for the weak. If you sleep more than 6 hours every night then you're clearly not productive. And productivity is of the utmost importance. In fact, it's gotten to the point that sleeplessness is worn like a badge of honor - the darker the circles and the taller the coffee, the more badass and busy the individual.

Must do paperwork. Must clean the house. Must study more. Sleep can wait. There are things I need to accomplish. Lives to be lived.

Well, living life for me is getting into my cozy bed with clean sheets, all my pillows and the quilt my grandmother made me.

It just feels amazing.

And I am going to do it right now.

You should too!

Bye!

MLA

An Open Window

2010-03-29T20:21:00.003-04:00

There is nothing quite so enjoyable and revery-inducing as an open window. Bonus points if you have plants, pictures, candles or lovely curtains on or around your window. An open car window, preferably in the summertime, is excellent as well.

If you open your window, I hope you have a nice view, because an open window is an accessible snapshot of the world at large and its more savory characteristics. From an open window high up, Detroit looks beautiful.

To open a window is to condense and amplify your surroundings. A barbecue smells dreamier. The whirring suck of tires on wet pavement sounds more comforting than dreary. A dog's bark is less menacing. Birds' songs become more noteworthy. Kids' faraway laughter heard through such a window ignites a different flavor of nostalgia than if heard firsthand.

Now is the best time of year. You should open your window!

CHEERIO,

MLA

Tips

2010-03-22T18:50:00.003-04:00

1. if you keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love, you need to compress and elevate and get to an ER immediately.

2. if you, your sex is on fire, you should probably go to the OB. And maybe rethink your choices.

3. call the club the next morning if you leave your head and your heart on the dance floor.

4. according to you, you made a song that is wildly popular and played on the radio every 0.5 seconds. According to me, it is terrible.

5. two is better than one only for some things, such as socks and jumper cables.

6. tryin' to find the words to describe this girl without bein' disrespectful? Grab a dictionary.

7. don't sit in the fridge for more than a week if your body is like a carryout.

These helpful tips and tricks brought to you by your local popular music station.

Bored and restless in Albion.

Yours truly,

MALALALALALAMLA

On the Wings of Love

2010-03-21T22:11:00.003-04:00

Hmmmm. Here is a story about autism.

Since the students I've been working with are so low-functioning, it is rare for them to interact with each other in any capacity. For the most part they wander around the classroom in their own respective autistic worlds. Occasionally one kid will bump into another kid while flapping, hopping, crawling, marching or otherwise wandering around the room, but there is virtually no mindful communication between classmates (sad but very interesting). That being said, I was intrigued when S, our resident sharp-clawed urinator, sat down next to Lexi on a beanbag chair while watching our weekly Friday movie. I was especially interested because neither girl is exactly a peach - both are known for their unpredictability. Sharing inquisitive glances, we teachers sat and watched the situation unfold. It went a little something like this.

Because S likes to feel everything with her bare feet, she kicks off her shoes and starts rubbing her little monkey toes all over Lexi's head. Lexi absently swats at S but remains gormless and engrossed in a combination of autism and Sesame Street. S continues walking on Lexi's face. Finally, Lexi grabs the bottom of S's sweatpants and proceeds to stretch them out. Thinking aloud while observing this unfold, one of the teachers remarks that Lexi is trying to "pants" S. This proves inaccurate as Lexi begins tying the stretched-out ends of S's pants together. This is hilarious. Lexi attempts three times and gives up, becoming once again sucked into the repetitive, colorful world of the Street. S gets up and wanders away to look for food in the trash. I jump up to stop her but realize it's unnecessary, as her pant bottoms are now so long that she trips and falls flat on her face. Trying to control my laughter I corral S, determine that she is eating a Cheerio she found on the carpet, roll up her pant legs and send her on her merry, oblivious way.

Aside from being very funny, this vignette lends itself to some pondering.

I have never seen a child in this classroom do something this creative. None of the kids in this class can tie - not their shoes, not anything. Left to their own devices they won't do ANYTHING. They will not color. They will not play. If we came into the classroom each day and didn't actively engage these children, they would walk in circles flipping and staring into space all day long. They do not communicate and they do not interact with any aspect of their environment, as per the definition of "deep space" autistic spectrum disorders. This is not an exaggeration. To me, who likes and is used to a bustling, active classroom, it was very unsettling to come into a classroom that was silent in every sense of the word. It has been a very, very different experience.

Beyond that, however, was the fact that Lexi appeared to have somehow made a social connection with S. Was she being malicious? Was she actually thinking that tying S's pant legs together would make her trip? Was this her revenge for when S ripped Lexi's sucker right out of her mouth and crunched it away in four hard chomps? Was there an actual connection between the intentions of these two little people?

Not likely, but I would like to hope.

And at any rate it had us rolling.

BUH BYE

I wanna know where the gold at.

2010-03-16T21:28:00.002-04:00

Could be a crackhead who got onto the wrong stuff.

Happy St.Pats. Choose a designated driver!

Xyz examine your zipper

2010-03-15T16:55:00.002-04:00

This reminds me of something I did when I was younger, except for an animatronic James Brown doll was involved.

Wish it was summer. Want grilling weather. Want a kabob.

I like going places and reading all the magazines. Then I don't feel compelled to buy a magazine.

SOMEONE BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arivaderchi Internet Land.

Suffocation Leads to Retardation

2010-03-13T21:36:00.001-05:00

Does anyone remember this terrible song? We would often sing it on the playground.

Suffocation leads to retardation
Suffocation, this is how you play:
First you take a pillowcase
Then you smash it on your face
Go to bed,
Then you're dead
Oooooohhhhhhhh
Suffocation leads to retardation
Suffocation this is how you play...

and so on and so forth.

The things we got away with singing as children.

Or maybe it was just at my school.

I find that I am too tired by the weekend to do anything fun. This is very depressing as I am 22 years old and should be raising hell on a regular basis.

Anyway, bye!

Today's Like List

2010-03-12T11:36:00.002-05:00

1. learning the words to rap songs

2. finger food for lunch

3. blueberries

4. riding with no hands

5. when my cat comes and lies right on my chest

6. fans (the cooling devices. Although human fans are nice too I guess)

7. my Oxford Wildcats t-shirt from the summer 2006 lost and found

8. Old Navy

9. Students who use non sequitur to explain why they shouldn't be getting in trouble

Most lists go to ten - top ten, ten commandments, etc.

This one doesn't.

Adieu, adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Texting

2010-03-08T20:39:00.004-05:00

Oh my goodness! Could the title of this post actually be pertinent?

It wouldn't have been if I had written about my awesome new chair from the side of the road in Fenton.

Anyway, here is a story about texting.

Alex was one of the first people to ever send me a text message. Once I got the hang of it (this was way before keyboard phones), we began regularly texting each other random thoughts, observations and inside jokes throughout the day. This early experience greatly shaped my perception of the purposes of text messaging. I text people much like I blog. The content of my messages is chiefly humorous. I like to quip, remark, concur, synthesize, provide evidence, and make noise. I like to reflect on interesting conversations I may have had with the recipient.

I do not text generic, meaningless things like "hey." I do not use emoticons or abbreviations. I punctuate, capitalize and spell correctly in my text messages. I don't do chain texts. "What's up" makes me cringe alongside texts that simply say "lol". I don't really text to update my every waking move and have met people who do. I like texting better than calling because I am more articulate through written language than spoken.

Whenever I come into text-contact with someone whose style is different from mine, things can get lost in translation. If I have your number and you have mine, I assume I can text you because this is 2010 and, honestly, who doesn't have texting? In addition, if I text you, I am going to do so in my style and format, and if you don't understand my sense of humor and don't enjoy receiving randomness 24/7, then perhaps we should work out some other form of communication.

Either that or you just suck.

Really, who doesn't like getting a text? It's so exciting.

I have the hiccups and I'm going to bed.

Oh, nobody peed their pants again today so that was a milestone.

Ttfn!

"Scenes!"

2010-03-05T17:34:00.002-05:00

That is another random exclamation from one of my fav AI students.

Oh, by the way, I'm in that class until Wednesday next week. Therefore, this site will likely become more Tard Blog-esque. The teachers like me. I am unprecedentedly good with autistic kids.

Probably because I myself have some autistic tendencies. See this blog.

I am also able to laugh at kids who bite, scratch, kick, throw, nose-pick, chew, masturbate, screech, lick, regurgitate, tackle, disrobe and urinate constantly. A ridiculous sense of humor is a defense mechanism with these particular petites.

In Paint Radio news, I cannot help but notice that the latest post has not accumulated any comments. I cannot figure out why. Where were you people in 2003? Obviously not listening to TI. Here is the implied song. Get it? GET IT?

...or lack of humor is entirely plausible. Sorry.

ELLIPSES AGAIN!

I can't type anymore. Got a .09 in my right, .45 in my other hand.

Ciao.

Salutations, Ssssnack

2010-03-01T17:20:00.002-05:00

I'm in an autistic impaired room all this week. You'd think this circumstance would produce lots of good quotes. It probably won't because of five students only two are verbal.

However, if I don't churn out some material after spending spending 50 hours in a room full of flapping, galloping little people then I'll be a monkey's uncle. Here is Monday:

- I walk into the room first thing in the morning. Not really sure what to expect. All my questions are quickly answered upon seeing my little friend lying upside down on a stack of beanbag chairs in front of the whiteboard, bare feet on the chalk rail. Pants-Peeing Episode I occurred five minutes later (don't worry, the beanbag chairs are okay). I've never known anyone to pee quite so much as this child did today. But at least she didn't do it on a sliding glass door, in a ditch, on the floor of the Apartments, in a bed with a significant other or on my 90s dance CD, which is more than I can say for some of my peers.

- same kid sits on a T chair during group and circle time. T chair is basically just two very short 2-by-4's bolted together in a T shape. Function: autistic kid sits in chair, uses up so much energy just to stay balanced that he or she doesn't raise hell around the classroom. Works well if the kid can and wants to balance. This child does not. This child drunkenly stumbles/leans/topples over onto indignant classmates during calendar time. Honestly, a lot of funny shit has happened to me in my short teaching career, and I've never laughed so hard in a classroom as I did at this scenario. I about died. Ask for a demo sometime if you'd like to fully appreciate the humor.

- Pants Peeing Episode II happened directly after this. I had to clean this one up, so it wasn't quite as entertaining. Had to tackle naked streaking child trying to escape from the bathroom though.

- Donovan is eight. Donovan has pica. Donovan eats everything. Today he ate three erasers and some Playdo. Donovan also has a history of eating: duct tape, the casing on wires (scary!), paint and craft pom-poms. All weirdness aside, I would like to see this child's poop. It probably looks like the inside of a Home Depot.

- another story about Donovan: Donovan is barely verbal. He says about ten words tops and you have to wrench them out of him. However, today while I was sitting at a table he came up to me, got within an inch of my face and yelled, "LIPS!"

I love these kids.

Ciao bella!

Je veux

2010-02-25T16:49:00.003-05:00

two coneys from the Conexion, one with cheese and one without
cranberry juice
Thin Mints
chicken nachos
a pear
my dad's chicken salad made with grapes and walnuts with some crackers
barbecue chicken pizza from Relli's
my mom's raspberry Christmas cookies
one shrimp taco, one fish taco and a Dos Equis from Sagebrush
an egg McMuffin
a tall, cool Budweiser (Harry Caray style)
baked brie with some good bread and grapes...more grapes
grapes in general sound good.
chicken marbella with risotto and a Caesar salad

I will hopefully consume at least one of these items ce weekend. HUNGRY

Goodbye.

This Just In: Voodoo Child

2010-02-24T19:44:00.002-05:00

For some reason I had this song in my head all day.

"That's all I have to say about that."
- Forrest Gump

Have a great Thursday!

Yo

2010-02-22T16:23:00.003-05:00

I miss this sort of thing.

Since this is my blog, here are some opinions, thoughts, and facts:

1. When I still played hockey competitively, I scored a goal in every game before which I ate either chicken caesar salad or toast with peanut butter.

2. Have you ever listened to Metric? They are interesting.

3. My car still smells like crayons. There have not been any wax products in my car in years as far as I can tell. Therefore, I must be made of wax, and it must be myself that I'm smelling. But I'm only made of wax while driving. Deductive reasoning.

4. I'm trying to cut back on ellipses.

5. I can't stop eating pickles. I think I have a problem. Also, I enjoy substitute teaching, and have surprisingly been teaching mostly kindergarten. Aren't you glad #5 was a two-for-one list item? Blew your mind a little, didn't it?

6. Gotta go, bye!

MLA

Oh Lord, Stuck in Lodi Again

2010-02-11T20:29:00.002-05:00

Updated Paint Radio once more.

Maybe I'll finally add it to the blogroll.

Maybe. If you behave yourselves.

MLA

Erev Tov

2010-02-09T21:34:00.003-05:00

That means good evening in Hebrew.

You know your life is boring when your Google searches consist of maps to various schools you're subbing in and Michigan teacher certification information. Gone are the days of aimlessly Googling around the Internet all day between classes and all night while writing papers. Those situations always made for some interesting results. Red centipedes spelled incorrectly is a fond memory.

Today I was a kindergarten teacher and a child told me he wished I was made of metal. I'm not sure how this would have benefited either of us.

This summer I am planning to get inordinately tan and jacked from living on the beach again. Hopefully I will begin to resemble a guido. If not, oh well. After this, KMFP and I will be taking out a mortgage and buying the most extraordinary bacherlorette pad possible. It will probably be in Greater Flint and shall house a lot of beer, endearingly mismatched furniture, jars and jars of dilly beans and maybe some animals. You are welcome to the couch.

And then maybe I will find a job.

Anyway, this is what my cat's personality is like for those who haven't had the pleasure.

I am going to start prefacing everything I say with "say."

Say, would you be disappointed if I told you this post was ending?

Tie Dye

2010-02-01T14:29:00.003-05:00

Have you ever noticed how often you put yourself down, both aloud and in your head? I cannot count the number of remarks I make that are along the lines of "Ugggh. I am so lazy. I am a waste of space" or "I'm a horrible person." While I am almost always joking when I say these things, teaching has recently taught me that words should not be used in vain. What you say should always be chosen carefully. And even if self-criticism is applied in jest, it still gives off negative energy.

There is a part of me that is highly self-aware, but for the most part I don't care how I am or what I do as compared to other people. Yes, I chose to loaf in bed all last Wednesday because I didn't have to work, while both my roommates were out in the world occupied. Even in light of these differences, did choosing a day of leisure really make me a bad person? No.

I'm tired of writing and am doing so very poorly, so without further ado here is a list of simple, everyday things I do that improve the world a little bit and do not make me a terrible person.

1. I use my manners.

2. I never leave a classroom/workplace/office until everything is 100% in order.

3. I buy local.

4. I hold doors.

5. I learn kids' names as fast as I can.

6. I turn off and unplug electronics I'm not using.

7. I let people in while driving and change lanes for people on the side of the road.

8. I rewind.

9. I pick up trash.

10. I turn off the radio when my passenger is talking on the phone.

11. I recycle and reuse as much as humanly possible.

12. I return texts, calls, and emails in a timely fashion.

13. I move my roommates' cars for them.

14. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

15. I tip well.

16. If I discipline somebody, I always follow up with that student later to debrief the situation.

17. I walk instead of drive as much as is feasible.

17. I periodically go through my clothes and donate anything I haven't worn in the last 6 months.

18. I laugh at myself.

19. I pay my rent on time.

The endie.

Still sad Lil Wayne is going to jail. I'll have to bake him a cake with a file in it. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure listening to Lil Wayne makes me a bad person somehow.

Toodles.

MLA

Well Here We Are Again

2010-01-24T16:36:00.003-05:00

...I guess it must be fate.

Name that tune!

I use ellipses a lot. For effect...you know.

Obviously my plans to update Paint Radio regularly were too ambitious. I really think I've lost my touch. Feel free to reminisce over the old posts. They represent happier, more fecund times in the imagination of MLA. Maybe something will inspire me soon.

Alongside losing my ability to produce funny drawings on Paint, I am also suffering from writer's block and malapropism (using the wrong words). I sense a painful road of recovery ahead.

CANDY!

Talking: hanging out.

Hey hey...

BYE BYE BYE

MLA

How to Capture an Asian Man*

2010-01-19T22:13:00.004-05:00

1. First, collect as much information as humanly possible without trespassing into HAM's (Hot Asian Man) personal property. Check.

2. drive Honda. Check.

3. possess extensive knowledge of Asian cultures and world history in general. Check!

4. enjoy eating at Sagano's, then go out for a night on the town at nearby Bar Louie. Make sure to wear something scandalous.

5. whilst enjoying chicken nachos and a dirty martini (disgusting), cast HAM a smoldering glance from across the bar.

6. get HAM drunk (shouldn't be too difficult)

7. seduce.

8. have adorable partially Asian babies. But not until much later, after you've shown off your HAM prize.

9. find ways of tactfully deflecting your friend's subtly racist comments about HAM ("They wouldn't get along" etc)

AAHAHA

*in a strictly non-racist way. He IS Asian. And she IS into that sort of thing.

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

2010-01-18T23:02:00.001-05:00

...or blog.

We need to rekindle this lost art.

Who's with me?

(crickets)

Afghans, Fretwork, Time Management

2010-01-17T20:54:00.007-05:00

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi.

What is the significance of that title? If it isn't obvious, you're not thinking hard enough.

I added someone back to the blog roll. See if you can guess who.

Just kidding, they're just random words.

Here is a Pearl Jam song that reminds me of standing on one of my favorite rocks in Lake Huron at camp looking out on my dominion. Love the drama of the timpani.

Alert! Alert!

2010-01-14T19:39:00.002-05:00

I just updated Paint Radio. I know, right? Hopefully it'll pick up again, there is some ridiculous stuff on the radio right now. People brushing their teeth with bottles of jack, etc.

Anyway, how 'bout that wedding?

Itchy ass sweater.

It's nice not being in school.

Bra?

2010-01-02T20:35:00.002-05:00

Yet again, something I as a woman should find horrifying and degrading but instead enjoy. I present to you Bros Like this Site. There is something clearly wrong with me.

Anything that accurately encapsulates the absurdity of college culture is okay in my book.

Also quite entertaining.

kzXj

Happy new decade!

MLA

Gigity

2009-12-27T12:03:00.005-05:00

A blog is a living, breathing time capsule.

My blog has definitely grown up in some ways. But some things never change.

Like this. DOGS!

In high school I purchased a fantastic eighties sweater from Salvation Army. You know, the kind of sweater that's so ugly it's trendy and awesome. It was cream with a broad teal stripe across it. I was ecstatic. My mother was not. I hid it away in my closet. Then one day I came home from school to find that she "accidentally" shrank it in the wash. She swears she's sorry and simply forgot to check the tag before throwing it in the dryer, but I still think she did on purpose.

Although the post-disaster sweater was quite amusing, I will never again own such a breathtakingly spectacular garment of clothing.

And this song always reminds me of that.

If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away,

MLA

ATTENTION, ATTENTION

2009-12-25T22:58:00.003-05:00

Don't get excited. I am still hands-down indisputably the worst, soberest "never-have-I-ever" player in the history of shenanigans. If you can think of it, chances are I have never done it because I'm boring and wasted most of my youth being responsible and cautious. HOWEVER, there are a few things I did in 2009 that I had never done before:

1. watched Back to the Future and Ghostbusters. Yes, evidently I lived under a huge boulder as a child in the 1990s.

2. four pointed a semester.

3. consistently and consecutively watched a "series" of television on DVD. Entourage. It's good.

4. became an official pet owner. Her name is Candace the Cat and she is awesome, you should meet her.

5. paid rent and bills.

6. wake boarded.

That's all.

BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE

Merry Days

2009-12-25T21:14:00.004-05:00

Happy holidays!

I'm getting fat again.

I love owls.

Not going to lie, I was hoping to get more straight up cash for Christmas. I don't need clothes. I don't need candy. I don't need socks. People, skip the middle man and just give me a shoebox full of 20's so I can pay my rent. I have a bunch of beautiful things that doubtless cost lots of cold, hard cash to furnish. The irony, the irony.

Home in the Roch till the 4th. I would say get at me, but all three of you are in another state or country.

...so I'll just eat this cookie.

Kthanksbye!

MLA

Languorousness

2009-12-20T13:12:00.002-05:00

Did you even know that was a word? I didn't.

On that note, my vocabulary desperately needs refreshing. When you're used to talking to 9-year-olds all day you find yourself talking like a 9-year-old. I once spelled "invader" incorrectly on the overhead and didn't realize it until later. I about died.

Remember Christmas break 2006-2007? Yeah, the one I spent in my bed with my green scarf. Well, that may or may not be happening again right now.

Guh. I am disgusting.

What an Awful Song

2009-12-18T20:40:00.002-05:00

Don't worry, I have not abandoned the more "traditional" Onion Rings material.

This song offends me. This sounds like something AMK would write and perform.

Hmmm.

Happy Christmahanakwanza!

Things That Don't Work

2009-12-17T17:18:00.002-05:00

Things that don’t work have a tendency to be charming, and occasionally might produce a humorous situation. There was the killer toaster that never turned off unless you unplugged it. And the leaky kitchen sink that explosively blew water out of every orifice except the faucet itself. The kids howled about that one. But then the water got turned off and it didn’t do it anymore. There were six of them and some cousins, but the original set was Paul Junior, Axel, Andrew, little Alan and baby Ashley.

Since they went to school when they felt like it, there was no dearth of opportunities to find other things that didn’t work at which to laugh and laugh. Being poor in this part of town lent itself to the funny and sad; things like one-eyed dogs, random Chicago Bears blankets used as curtains, relatives losing teeth in fantastical ways, weird pieces of debris that got stuck to a long unbathed baby sister, the antics of drunk and insane kinfolk, and clothes with holes in the armpits and crotches. Because they had never experienced comfort or an innocent and genuine sense of joy, laughter was safety. They laughed as much as they could, even if it was at the expense of their meth-addicted aunt, who talked to stumps and looked like the poorly-pasted dancing Halloween skeleton little Alan brought home from Head Start.

Paul Junior was eleven. And at eleven he was able to fully comprehend that there were people someplace who lived in households that were not funny. There were kids in the town, mostly on the north end, in whose existences everything worked, sisters were clean and adults never acted in pathetic and amusing ways. Children here developed normally. They were not born with chemical substances coursing through their systems, and their parents did not allow them to pick at scabs. They were never threatened by murderous toasters or kitchen sink geysers. They did not live with six and some cousins.

Although he knew he wasn’t entitled to it, there was a part of Paul Junior that wanted such a clean and humorless life. But there was somehow a larger part of him that meant more and felt better laughing at Andrew with his kicked-out leg stuck in the rotting side of their front porch.

The Dentist

2009-12-16T16:58:00.003-05:00

“Some of this belongs to the dentist.” Their landlady gestured toward the piles of overflowing boxes and bags. The basement was littered with the jetsam of someone halfway moved out. A box of clay pigeons sat atop a case of Coors Light. Three bottles of mouthwash waited in the corner. “He may be back to get his stuff sometime. And he’s pretty cute, too.” They glanced at the abandoned piles, signs of a life scattered and a hurriedly vacated house. Men were never as cute as old ladies made them out to be.

Soon their affairs intermingled with the remains of the mysterious dentist, who never ended up materializing. They absently piled their students’ ungraded work atop stacks of American Dental Association binders. The house became a bizarre melee of teaching-dental paraphernalia. A box of trial-sized floss became a footstool. Oral Pharmacology for the Dental Hygienist became a coaster.

It was puzzling. What did he wear, this dentist, since all of his clothing seemed to be piled in their basement next to the water heater? What sort of young man would leave behind a perfectly good case of cheap beer? Or a pair of rubber waders? When money dwindled they used his bottles of mouthwash. They half-wondered about who he was, where he went, when and if he’d return for his things, if he actually was decent looking, and why he flew the coop so quickly and without his library of well-worn dental school study materials. They half-wondered, but since his things were fixtures in the house they never paid too much attention. It made some sense that he’d cut the fat before moving out. The men they knew were impatient and slovenly. And really, why would he want to travel with all that junk if he could just leave it in their little yellow rented house, a free storage unit?

They moved around the corner in December because the little old landlady was gouging them for rent. Student teaching ended and they threw most of the children’s drawings away (except for the really good ones). They packed up everything – not a trace of their lives in the yellow house remained, except for a broken dining room chair and some hairballs in the drain.

The things he left smacked of bachelorhood and academia, and left the mystery unsolved for the next pair of college tenants to wonder about. Perhaps if they had more than half-wondered they may have tried to dig a little. It would have been exciting to find a love letter – there was that condom wrapper they found under the bed – or some telling photograph or an incriminating piece of mail. Maybe they would have pieced together a few artifacts that wove a short string of story about who this person was. If they had truly considered that he was out there being real someplace and they knew nothing, it would have seemed tragic.

Occasionally one would be driving alone on a sunny winter day and her hunched, bundled shadow against the passenger side window would remind her of the way those rubber waders squatted on the basement floor. Every time the other went for a dental checkup and saw anything trial-sized the memory weakly and ambiguously resurfaced. The remains of The Dentist were again abandoned, and it was never tragic.

It's Definitely Not a Nashville Party

2009-12-09T10:46:00.002-05:00

Hiiiii.

I've finally crawled out of the wretched hovel of student teaching. The wretched part, of course, was not spending time with my students (who were all kinds of brilliant), but having to complete umpteen "projects and productions" for the college.

But it's over now, and I can rejoin the land of the living.

I've reached the conclusion that my cat is a drunken sorority girl with daddy issues. Her theme song is "Tick Tock" by Kesha, she sleeps off her hangovers all day, and she likes to get drunk in the morning. If you aren't familiar with that song, you sure are missing out.

Anyway, I'm excited to exist again. The true nature of how I feel is encapsulated in this video. Enjoy.

It IS a party in the USA.

As my high school principal would say, have a fine afternoon and do drive home safely!

MLA

Zombie Babies and Wanda Houston

2009-11-19T20:21:00.001-05:00

If you are looking for some entertainment (and who isn't), I implore you to check out the old photos stories my students have been writing.

You can find them here.

God I'll miss this ridiculousness.

The Joys of Being a Divorce Child

2009-11-15T10:52:00.003-05:00

Things I could do at my dad's house that I couldn't at my mom's:

1. drink pop in the morning (!)
2. watch Ren and Stimpy, Beavis and Butthead and MTV
3. not brush my hair
4. let the dog sleep in my bed
5. play Super Nintendo all day long
6. play with the laundry chute
7. shoot pucks at the garage door
8. pour my own cereal
9. not wear sunscreen
10. build forts that covered the entire living room

Ah, the joys of every-other-weekend custody arrangements.

Eu-googly.

2009-11-14T22:43:00.001-05:00

judd apatow's daughters
hebrew teddy bear song
teaching jobs
mason jars
free spaying for cats

Google is dumb now and doesn't show your recent searches, it just shows what everyone else in the world likes to search.

Unusual Student Names

2009-11-06T16:33:00.004-05:00

Not here to judge. But there have been some interesting ones over the years. The list I've pieced together:

Armani
Nagee
Ja’Christal
ShiTerriona
Windrevawn
Heaven
Jorja
Sa'Taveus
Llyric
Blessing
Jazminique
Safari
O'munek
Victory
Governor
Cherokee
Sha'Fon
Knowledge
Zion

What's crazy is that the more you say these names, and the more often you connect them to a face in your classroom, the less bizarre they begin to seem.

Also, I am learning a ton about the cultural significance of hair. The kids want to give me cornrows. Not sure how that would turn out.

Hmm.

Miss L

I might even be a rockstar.

2009-10-31T16:57:00.002-04:00

One of my first posts was about slutty Halloween costumes.

I still think they're lame.

Three years later.

Holy crap. Onion Rings is that old?!

Interrobangs > ?! ?! ?!

Happy Halloween! Check your candy for razorblades.

Miss L

Learnin' the chillun

2009-10-28T17:54:00.008-04:00

Here are some photos of what I do 24/7:

Drawing a jankity picture of an Alaskan bay for the kids. It was a teachable moment.

We played Oh Deer! to learn about animal populations. Yes, it's a camp game.

Learning to edit writing.

My behavior system. Don't get on red!

Our "fact family reunion." We're ghetto and don't have a bulletin board, so I just stuck them on the wall.

...and sometimes I sleep.

Later days!

Miss L

2009-10-25T15:53:00.002-04:00

Over a third of my class has been out this week because of the flu (both swine and otherwise). However, the non-contaminated kids who've been coming to school have been full of crazy lately. Here we go:

Miss LAWrence, I need inSHAWrance!
- Aubrey

Miss L, is it true Michael Jackson bleached hisself?
- Josh

Do you have a lit match? I want to light my hair on fire and run around like this: AAUUUGGGGH!
- Daniel

I don't understand kids who don't wear coats. Don't they know if they get frostbite half their brain will fall out?
- Daniel round 2

Discussing the algae growing on our classroom snails:
Me: Remember how some of you said the algae looked like hair?
Collyn: OOH! Can I take it home and shave it?

During a project in which I had the kids make and name their own boats:
Collyn: Can I name mine the SS Days of Our Lives?

Hey, can you get me a tater tot?
- Dakota

Great spelling sentences from this week:

The bear was angry so he killed the man. Before he killed him, he tasted him.
- Rusty

They're angry at the taste of the shortcake.
- Marcus

They sure are something else.

I love fall, it's gorgeous outside right now. Go take a walk!

Buh bye!

Miss L

Ah, the Mirth Mobile

2009-10-19T20:10:00.002-04:00

I miss my life.

I miss being able to actually do things.

I don't think I'm ready to leave behind the college lifestyle.

Does that make me immature? Likely, but I don't care.

Back to my lesson-planning hovel,

Miss L

I'm Tupac

2009-10-16T17:47:00.002-04:00

Teaching is

a constant stream of ridiculousness.
possessing the ability to gain control of 34 children without saying a word.
not for the inflexible or the orderly.
anticipating.
hugging.
providing structure, routine and discipline for children who've never had it before.
the hum of the overhead projector.
the smell of chalk dust.
applying Band-Aids.
keeping multiple plates spinning at one time.
twirling the jump rope at recess.
fixing belts, shoes, zippers, veils and braids.
pulling loose teeth.
picking a million things up and then leaving them a million places around the room.
feeding fish, snails, and guppies.
feeding children.
saying "Shh!"
putting a hand on a shoulder.
stapling.
answering the phone.
calling on the kid who doesn't get it or isn't paying attention.
celebrating the smallest improvements.
IEPs for LDs, CIs, EIs, and various other abbreviations.
killing flies.
noting lice.
noting scabies, cigarette burns, bruises and marijuana stench.
calling CPS.
attempting to explain extremely abstract concepts.
flying by the seat of your pants.
rewarding!

Yup.

Clean up your area,

Miss L

The Faint of Heart

2009-10-12T22:25:00.002-04:00

My students are very much into the whole "get out of your seat and show Miss L something completely random" thing. Although I am trying to break them of this habit because traveling around the classroom with a swarm of children is becoming impractical, it is also pretty funny. Some real gems:

"Miss L, look! I can fake faint!" (falls on the floor)

"Miss L, look! (points to science book excitedly) CELERY!"

"Hi Miss L. I'm Bob."

"Look. My finger's purple."

"Miss L! I have a yellow folder!"

Oh man.

Good for you, kids. I'm glad you can fake faint, have made a groundbreaking discovery about celery and have a yellow folder.

In other news, my mentor teacher ripped me a new one in my midterm eval today. Evidently I dress unprofessionally, write illegibly and use improper English.

Keep on truckin'.

Bring your coat to recess,

Miss L

Miss L the Broken Record

2009-10-06T21:58:00.002-04:00

The top 10 things I say while teaching:

1. "Have a seat." (also supplemented with "Park it" and "sit down.")
2. "I'll wait."
3. "Get in line."
4. "Thumbs up if you're ready."
5. "Why are you out of your seat?"
6. "Quickly." (when asked 10,000 times a day to go to the bathroom)
7. "I like how ________, ________ and _________ are working quietly."
8. "Sad day."
9. "Nice job."
10. "You're awesome."

Learning experiences are exhausting. I'm quickly figuring out that learning how to teach is basically just a condensed series of failures. All you can do is learn from the lessons you teach. Things I learned this week so far:

- it's okay to scrap the lesson and start over if it's not going well. I have discovered that I teach under a ridiculous and completely unfounded fear that if I don't exactly follow my lesson plan and plow through the predetermined material, something terrible will happen. And that really is not the case AT ALL. Yes, of course there are certain things the kids have to learn and benchmarks that must be reached. That's obvious. But there's no use conducting the struggle bus through a failing lesson from which no one's actually learning anything just for posterity's sake or to say you "got through it." This is actually something that really surprised me about my teaching, because I'm not a by-the-book person ordinarily. Give the kids what they need at the moment, not what you thought they needed when you planned the lesson three days before.

- teaching is an incredibly delicate process. EVERYTHING affects the kids, from the time of the day that we teach certain subjects to the manner in which we go to the bathroom and sharpen pencils. They are smart, perceptive, and sensitive little beings. I now find myself pondering things for longer amounts of time than probably anyone in any other profession does. Every single object, activity and process must be explicitly defined as it will affect my kids at that exact minute. I meditate on everything from pencil sharpeners to whether or not we should tape the kids nametags down to which side to kneel on when giving a kid one-on-one help. Who knew? Who thinks of that? Teachers.

- kids smell fear and inexperience, and I have to find a way to stop letting my insecurities show. Some of my kids still don't respect me as "the real teacher," and that needs to change.

- don't yell, they'll just get immune to your yelling all the time and start to yell over you.

- plan, plan, plan, plan, plan FOR EVERY POSSIBLE FUCKING THING THAT COULD HAPPEN IN A 20 MINUTE LESSON. You think it's unlikely that kids will start rolling fake joints with the post-it notes you pass out too far in advance? Think again. It will happen. Plan.

- relax and have fun. At the end of the day, you're still working with 9-year-olds. If you're not having any fun during the day, that's a problem.

Luckily, I almost always am.

My brain's fried.

I will catch you on the flip side.

On to my 10:30 old woman bedtime.

Keep your hands to yourself,

Miss L

Make me fries

2009-10-04T13:30:00.002-04:00

I love Pearl Jam, but this is hilar. The funny thing is that the lyrics to Yellow Ledbetter are actually pretty cool, you just can't understand a damn thing he says. Yup.

I also love teaching.

And lying in bed?

Life as a Tomato...Or Student Teaching

2009-09-17T20:28:00.002-04:00

Hi. I'm student teaching fourth grade right now.

That's a loaded statement. The things that have happened in my classroom and in my school during the past three weeks would fill a novel. As far as "serious" or logistical concerns go, I shall boil them down:

1. teachers are clique-y

2. superintendents who've never taught. Ever. That statement speaks for itself. As a result of this particular superintendent's oversights...

3. I have a small country of children (34). It is constantly loud and smelly in my room HOWEVER...

4. ...the kids are wonderful and it makes my heart happy to work with them every day

5. my mentor teacher is kind of a rebel. She consistently bucks the district/principal, has a tramp stamp, tells me about drunken escapades and drives like a fucking maniac (right in front of the school)

...okay! On to funny shit:

There is a girl in my classroom from Yemen, and her English isn't very strong. Interestingly, she is basically learning English in the hood, which makes for a weird little sassy black girl/Apu from the Simpsons-type accent. There's something startling (and hilarious) about hearing "Mmm girl"s and "Daaaaang"s coming out of this small, veiled Muslim child's mouth.

Anyway, this exchange happened between her, Maleka, and India, who is African American. Once again, the significance of the stanky leg to my students' lives:

India: Maleka, you can't even do the stanky leg!
Maleka: (wheels clearly turning, trying to think of something to retort in English, in Middle Eastern accent) Uh, it's not important!

Monday, while sitting at my desk grading:

Kayla: Miss L! Look! I'm a mannequin! (stands motionless for 30 seconds, then turns and runs away)

also Kayla, during a completely unrelated literature discussion:

Kayla: (excitedly raising hand for 5 minutes) Miss L! I can make a hotdog AND a bologna sandwich!

Yesterday I was helping a student when her table mate stuck a sticky note on me that said "the best," which I unwittingly walked around with all day. During the first week of school someone stuck a note on my forehead that said "teacher." It could be worse.

I have an extremely bright student who, unfortunately, is bored a lot of the time. When she finishes early, we usually just have her write in her writing notebook. Last week during math she wrote a 4 page story about the life of a tomato. And actually made it sound exciting.

And I hate tomatoes.

TIRED OF TYPING.

TIRED IN GENERAL.

SOMEONE ELSE BLOG.

Go back to your seat and work quietly,

Miss L

The World Wide Web

2009-09-07T11:58:00.002-04:00

Recent Googles:

airplane!
Albion mediavalists
AT&T
bark twice if you're in milwaukee
bob jones university
calhoun county humane society
led zeppelin
Michigan Bridge Card
myers briggs
professional standards for michigan teachers
woody jeep

I'm going to start referring to the Internet as the World Wide Web again.

Ole Ole Ole Ole

2009-09-05T15:27:00.001-04:00

Some dinner guests were discussing life. One man, a CEO, explained the problem with education. "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher? You know what they say about teachers: 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.' " He turned to a guest and said, "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"

Bonnie replied, "You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 minutes without an iPod, GameBoy or movie rental. I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them have respect. I make them take responsibility for their actions. I teach them to write and then I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them show their work in math. I make them use their brains. I make students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity. I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe. I make my students stand and place their hand over their heart when they say the Pledge of Allegiance. I make them understand that if they use their gifts, work hard, and follow their heart, they can succeed in life. And then, when people try to judge me by my salary, because I know money isn't everything, I hold my head up high and ignore their ignorance. So what do I make? I make a difference! And what do you make, Mr. CEO?"

There was no response.

< trite in a chain-email sort of way, but true.

Enjoying my weekend before plummeting headfirst into the wild and wacky world of 4th grade student teaching,

Miss MLA

Internet Land

2009-08-29T13:23:00.002-04:00

Where you at?

BORADDD

2009-08-28T18:01:00.002-04:00

corn dogs > bagel dogs

Super Nintendo > Sega Genesis

Coke = Pepsi (a very incendiary viewpoint)

couch > futon

The Farmer in the Dell

2009-08-25T13:59:00.002-04:00

Howdy.

Updating from the library, as I presently have no cable or Internet. Of course it's boring, and we should be catapulting into the 21st century within the next week (once we figure out how to be big girls and set up our own service), but it's also sort of nice. I've discovered that I really only require music, books and other people to entertain me. The Internet is a nice treat. And television is just stupid.

Our house is wonderful but startlingly large. We have way, way too much space for just two people. We have an entire bedroom, attic and downstairs office room that are completely unused. If we actually made use of all the living space in this joint, we could probably house like seven more people, thereby allowing us to have much lower rent. Maybe it's not too late to open a flophouse/commune. You should come visit, I have like 40 guest rooms.

I found a new radio station here. It used to be one of my favorite soft rock stations - you know, the kind that play everything - and now it's morphed into alternative. Being sensitive to change, I was initially put off. However, I've been listening exclusively for the past few days and it is AMAZING. They play all these old alternative artists from the 90's, like Weezer, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, Blink 182, the Cranberries and Smashing Pumpkins. Ah, the music of my childhood. They also play some new stuff that I actually don't mind. I am becoming quite fond of the Kings of Leon. They remind me of the Black Crowes for some reason.

It's weird that I'm a pseudo student. I go here, but I don't really go here anymore. I recognize hardly anyone on campus, which is bizarre but refreshing.

School starts the 8th, and from then on this blog will be devoted to wacky fourth grade student teaching moments.

Yesterday I realized that my name should have been Emma. It flows much better with my last name. Is it too late to start going by something else? I've heard of people doing it, but what's the procedure? I feel like it is slightly presumptuous to rename yourself. Weird things to think about.

Freshmen are funny. I enjoy observing them as they learn to navigate things like the college Internet system, opening a mailbox, talking to people and using the copy machine.

Ah, well, back to the simple life.

Amish-ly yours,

MLA

August Haiku

2009-08-17T22:15:00.002-04:00

Ah, Something Corporate -
They're all eighth grade memories
I just thought of them.

Old dogs fart a lot.
It is very unpleasant
Here on this old couch.

I just bought a coat.
It's ninety degrees outside
I still celebrate

The author of this blog...

2009-08-17T19:33:00.004-04:00

1. Is living on planet Earth.

2. Is happy to have worked at a camp that embodies the true meaning of community, and hoping to return next year. Ask for stories.

3. Has exceptional tan lines. I mean outrageous.

4. Just ate a massive chocolate bar after a disgusting shopping spree. Can you tell I'm having trouble coping in the outside world? Next comes rent, food, and car repairs. Toodle-oo, paycheck!

5. Anticipating a long visit to the GFA in the near future so I can see people before crawling into the soul-eating hole that is student teaching at Albion College.

6. Presently going on hyperactive "holy-shit-we-just-worked-an-entire-summer-together-let's-be-virtual-friends" Facebook binge.

7. Did not know that John Hughes died! Did you? Sad.

8. Is going to watch Wayne's World and chill out.

I'm free! Get at me.

Gluttonously yours,

MLA

The G Report

2009-08-05T21:49:00.002-04:00

Still here.

Remember Garrett? Garrett speaks very quickly, slurs his words together, and is known to ask 900 questions per second. Enjoy:

"Ihavethreeheads YAAAAAAAY!"

Camp Director: Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
G: (4-second gutteral scream)

(while sitting on lap of well-endowed female staff member) "You have balloons. Why do you have balloons? You have coconuts. BOOOOOOOOOOB!"

(chewing on duct tape, to other camper) "Want some?"

Only about a week left.

Cannot be bothered to actually write anything of substance.

Everyone here likes to gamble.

Unrequited love?

The human experience is not easily recorded.

Ciao bella,

MLA

Garrett

2009-07-30T19:41:00.002-04:00

Garrett is another very unique camper.

"You should take her to a fancy restaurant. Like Tim Horton's."

(Randomly, at the waterfront) "Did someone just say 'Language?'"

Yup.

-MLA

PS Fuck South Carolina for stealing all my friends. Stupid state.

My Office

2009-07-26T17:50:00.004-04:00

Life is good.

Catch ya later.

M to the L to the A

Ellie

2009-07-13T17:51:00.003-04:00

Ellie is a hilarious camper.

Some zingers:

"I don't think Mitchell (counselor) has gone through puberty yet."

"Excuse me, just now when Josh blobbed me and I was up in the sky I got hungry, so I ate a bird with a side of clouds."

Hahahhahahahhahaha.

Enjoying my job but requiring higher SPF sunscreen.

Skin cancerously yours,

MLA

What Makes a Good Teacher

2009-07-11T12:37:00.003-04:00

...according to some campers I just spoke with.

1. Do not be 2 feet tall
2. Give your kids candy
3. Make lessons fun
4. Don't falsly accuse (this was a big one)
5. Don't wear too much makeup
6. Don't dress too fancy
7. Be funny but not sarcastic
8. Listen (another biggie)
9. Don't have a fauxhawk (?)
10. Don't play favorites
11. Let kids figure things out in their own way

Hmmm.

Back to camp,

MLA

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T you know what that mean

2009-07-04T10:26:00.004-04:00

Hiiiiiiiiii.

Um.

So, the past week or so at camp has felt like a weird strongman competition/amusement park/actual job combination. My waterfront staff and I have been in the 50-degree Lake Huron water almost every day anchoring things, blowing up the toys (huge process. I have a new appreciation for the people who inflated the blob everyday at CC), stumbling over enormous boulders and searching for Little Jimmy the missing folding chair. While everyone else sauntered into lunch during staff training in shorts and t-shirts, we waterfront staff could be found huddled for warmth in a corner over our hot tea, dressed like it's February in Fargo and chattering away. Gotta love stage 1 hypothermia.

I'm not complaining though. The hard physical labor has actually felt good. I lost 5 pounds this week and my guns are starting to come back - God didn't give me this upper body for nothing. And the lake is always beautiful. Even when it's cloudy and gross out the water turns this pretty gunmetal color and can get so calm it's freaky. There are freighters galore.

There is lots of ridiculousness to be had working at a waterfront. And already there's lots of clowning. Have you ever stood atop a 20-foot inflatable waterslide in a nerdy blue TYR one-piece revving a huge leafblower and screaming "SAY HELLO TO MY LEETLE FRIEND?!" and THEN noticing your elderly neighbors taking a walk on the beach next door to camp?

Well, if you haven't, you should try it.

In other news, changes are afoot.

People are getting married.

A few famous people died.

People had babies. Way to go!

But I ain't changin'.

Peace up, A-town and happy 4th,

-MLA

Updates from Another Dimension

2009-06-24T11:35:00.003-04:00

Hi diddly ho, neighbor!

I'm at camp. The past week has been spent with just 5 other staff members, who make up all the other supervisors (our "mission team" for those who are so inclined). I've been learning how to motivate staff and doing waterfront-y things like assembling buddy boards, swimming with cinder blocks to put in ropes, and getting surprisingly sunburnt.

It's been kind of weird hanging out with just five people for an entire week, but we are getting along well. It's always eye-opening to experience a new camp culture. Everyone has such an interesting story.

Our Fine Arts supervisor is a pregnant Australian, which is a strange twist of events from another social circle.

No pyschopaths as yet.

Our camp is quaint and old-fashioned, with a beautiful view of Lake Huron. It's very Dirty Dancing. However, the frequency of finding random, gruesome crucifixes and pictures of Jesus in places like my bedroom closet and above the toilet has given me a creepy vibe. Like this is a place Carrie's pyscho quasi-Catholic mom would hang out. Yikes.

I don't like days that are fake bright. You know, the days where you leave the house thinking, "Oh, it's overcast, I don't need sunglasses" and then it ends up being sort of sunny but cloudy at the same time and you're squinting all day? Wtf.

Hopes I can run a waterfront. Still nervie. But I have my Fox 40 and I'm not afraid to use it. Buddy check!

Come see me. They're very cool about visitors here.

Could you do this at age 10?

2009-06-11T22:08:00.001-04:00

If I saw her in real life I would ask for her autograph.

Lexico-Grammar

2009-06-11T18:01:00.002-04:00

Do you have "isms" you say on the daily? It's interesting to think about. Here are a few of mine.

1. "Oh gawd."
2. "Is this real life? Is this gonna be forever?" (from David After Dentist)
3. "Maybs."
4. "Don't judge me."
5. "Psh."
6. "Drive your car!" (road rage)
7. "Here's the thing..." and/or "Funny thing IS..."
8. "You're special."

and the ultimate:

8. "Kbye!"

What are YOURS?

Where was you?

2009-06-09T20:31:00.005-04:00

Much of our funding to go to Lake Michigan came from a friend's sorority, whose philanthropy is child literacy. This friend (also a second grade Maymester teacher) had her class write thank you notes to the organization, and some of them were quite choice.

It's always interesting to see what kids remember most about a cool experience. Not a single one of our students had ever seen a Great Lake. When I opened the first thank you note, I expected to read kids' thoughts on the enormity of Lake Michigan, the wildlife they saw, and the things the learned.

Nope.

Four grants, a scholarship, several heart-wrenching give-us-money-for-underprivileged students letters and $600 later, our kids all thought the playground at the park was THE BEST PART. There are playgrounds in Albion.

Anyway, the main attraction:

Dear Delta Nu*,

Thank you for letting us play on the playground. I liked the playground because we were playing like war. And then I got p p p popped off the tire swings. It was fast. Then we dug holes. It was fun. But we did not hear the story.

Your friend,

Omunek

Dear Delta Nu,

Thank you Delta Nu for the money for we could go to Lake Michigan. I had so much fun because we got to play on the play ground. I liked the square that moved. It was fun.

Your friend,

Cassie

Dear Delta Nu,

Thank you for the money to let the class go on the field trip to The Lake Michigan. I liked when the class played on the square swing. It was fun because we got to swing on the swing. Drelan sung a song to Ms. Crum. I liked the playground thank you.

Tirzah

And my personal favorite:

Dear Delta Nu,

Thank you for letting me come to Lake Michigan. You are the nice person in the world. I hope we come back there again. My favorite part was the monkiy bars. I wish you was there where was you. And the peach too.

Sincerely,

Cortavious

*yes, this is the sorority in Legally Blond.

It would seem that the "square that moved" was quite the attraction.

No idea what the peach is about.

I wish I was eight years old.

- MLA

Mississippi Queen

2009-06-08T20:08:00.002-04:00

If I wrote the 10 commandments:

1. Thou shalt not sit together on one side of a restaurant booth if there are only two of thou. It looks stupid.

2. Laugh at children, they are hilarious.

3. Thou shalt not stack thy emptied beer pong cups.

4. Things worth coveting: Carol brownies, pens in a workplace, a full, cheap tank of gas, ShamWOW.

5. Honor thy father and thy mother, unless they have been drinking and want you to blow up an alligator pool float.

6. Adultery still isn't cool.

7. Thou shalt refill the toilet paper roll. To that end, if you plug it, you plunge it.

8. Thou shalt not make fun of someone's interest in the Duggar family. They are good people!

9. Killing people - also not cool.

10. Thou shalt not eat another's leftover takeout.

Hahahahahhahahahhahahahha

2009-06-05T21:15:00.002-04:00

Apparently Sadaam Hussein's son clubbed the royal food taster to death to avenge his mother's honor.

Why did Sadaam's wife's honor need to be avenged?

Why, because Sadaam cheated on her.

Dad cheats on mom = let's club the food taster.

....don't ask how this research came about.

Got you in a stranglehold bab-ay

2009-06-03T12:07:00.002-04:00

Henceforth, all post titles will be somehow connected to Ted Nugent.

It's just starting to sink in that I will be working at ANOTHER new camp this summer. Third one in three years. It would appear as though I have camp commitment issues. I don't really, I'm just looking for a camp that isn't completely ridiculous. And I think working for a private camp that isn't under the jurisdiction of some massive corporation will definitely help with this.

I'm really excited to work on the lake. It's lovely, and kids like the water.

I can't write anymore. It sounds like this: uesfndszm,cnaa;;;aaaa

Just like that.

On Friday a child informed me that I have a deep voice.

Will be in GFA maybe starting tomorrow for a tropical Flint vacation. TTYL

Cat Scratch Fever...dun dun dun

2009-06-01T20:02:00.002-04:00

I am going to make an entire blog dedicated to funny student quotes. I just need to think of a witty name.

Evidently AMK is going to grace us with her presence ce weekend. Batten down the hatches.

Poor GM, that sucks.

Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.

Must stop eating coney island at 4 AM.

THIS JUST IN

2009-05-30T19:31:00.002-04:00

Operation get-tan-enough-to-no-longer-look-like-a-corpse begins today.

Let's hang out!

Tattle Madness

2009-05-28T08:25:00.002-04:00

Bad breath? Terrible. Raving, I-need-to-erase-everything-and-start-over perfectionism? Exhausting. But by far and away the worst thing about second graders is ALL. THE. FUCKING. TATTLING.

Like many life experiences, tattles are often very funny after the fact. Annoying as hell when you're actually having to deal with them and there are 7-year-olds careening everywhere and you're trying to teach, but entertaining elsewhere.

Some gems:

"Miss L! Miss L! Dymon said I was tryin'a do the stanky leg and I wasn't!"

"Miss L! She got the same pencil I got!" < 99% of the conflicts in our class stem from Pencil Drama

"Miss L! She looked at me like this" (weird face)

"Miss L! She made a fist!"

"Miss L! She said boas ain't real!" < the snake.

"Miss L! She said I'm mixed!" < referring to race. This kid IS mixed though.

"Miss L! She messin' with me! < the most common, and most vague. At least 4x a day

One more day.

I will miss them though.

Kbye,

Miss L/MLA

Googleragous

2009-05-26T21:21:00.002-04:00

Charlie bit me
CVS
david after dentist
day and night
education
flirting with disaster
Frankenmuth beer festival
hold on for one more day
hq
Michigan content area standards
Paula Cole
saved by the bell the college years

It is evident that I have been procrastinating by watching funny YouTube videos while in the midst of doing homework and planning my beer-drinking weekend while listening to inspirational Wilson Phillips songs, researching 90s music and shopping for a new computer. My life.

This made me cry.

2009-05-26T20:59:00.002-04:00

Because it made me think of leaving my kids. And how they're getting older.

And I've only worked with them three weeks.

I think I'm definitely going into the right profession.

Spelling Words

2009-05-21T20:12:00.003-04:00

Every morning, my students come in and do morning bell work. This involves daily oral language (DOL), in which a teacher writes some spelling words on the board and the kids spell them out loud and then write them down. After that, they have to use the words in sentences.

Many times these sentences are very funny, simply because of children's concepts of written vs spoken language. Today our DOL words were:

nice more skate small this
said people pretty sometimes skate

And here are some sentences I read while grading bell work:

I had a nice Jolly Rancher
We have a bigger house than this.
I have a right hand.
Sometimes I go to school.
- Mary

I said that my brothers were ugly.
- Kaliyah

Nice bike you have!
People are all around me!
- Lee (who evidently likes exclamation points)

Again, maybe not funny out of context, but we laughed hysterically at these today.

Also, today while videotaping a lesson for my professor to review, one of my students walked up and loudly and randomly informed me that she was wearing a bra. Hope it made it on tape.

Here is my professional portfolio if you want to see more of the academic, non-ridiculous side of what I've been doing the past few weeks. Check out the awesome student work samples in the curriculum unit!

It's On

2009-05-20T19:12:00.003-04:00

Taking a break from working on pointless projects to write about more funny shit that's happened to me.

Okay. So, I know it's wrong to have favorite students. I do genuinely love all my students, each just for being his or her strange little second-grade self. But there are definitely students who make me happier more often than others. And Abe is just one such example.

Abe in a nutshell: he is the smallest child in our class. Tiny, adorable little black boy with a shaved head and a too-big fake diamond earring in his precious, miniature earlobe. He's missing both of his front teeth, causing him to slightly resemble a vampire. He will often come over and quietly tug on my hand in a way that just melts my heart, then motion for me to move down closer so he can whisper a question or comment into my ear. While most of the other second-grade boys are clownish, noisy and impatient, Abe is gentle and easygoing. He's really a sweet kid.

But the best part about Abe is, hands down, his voice. Abe has the deepest, most gravelly voice I've ever heard come out of an 8-year-old. Seriously, think Lil Wayne meets Barry White. When such a crazy voice springs from this absolutely diminutive child, my soul bursts with joy.

So that's Abe.

Abe had a few zingers today. One was verbal and one was in writing.

Mr. C: (the class is discussing tornadoes) Tornado winds can reach speeds of about 300 miles per hour. Have any of you ever stuck your arm out the window when you're driving on the highway? What happens?
Abe: (in completely serious little black-boy voice) Your arm fall off.

And here is the beginning of Abe's waterways narrative. I edited it as little as possible:

"I was at a lake and I look in it and I saw a fish fiting another fish I ran to my teta (teacher. Great phonetic spelling haha) so I could take a pichur of wot I saw and then they fish started fighting and they said, "It's on!" and the big one was winning the fite. The little one died. The end."

...Lord have mercy.

Till tomorrow,

MLA

Crab Cakes

2009-05-19T19:56:00.003-04:00

Um, so last week I took my students to the college nature center to check out the Kalamazoo River up close and personal. It was actually really cool; we were on a boardwalk where the kids could get within inches of the river. They made a lot of excellent observations. However, there is a major, widespread scientifically non-normative (education world word for WRONG) assumption floating around our classroom.

Our children think every fucking thing they see is a hermit crab.

Not kidding. Rocks, shells, minnows, turtles...EVERYTHING is a hermit crab to these kids. Funny thing is, they are seven and eight years old and can't spell hermit crab.

Which leads me to the FSQ/FS writings. Here are some interesting interpretations of the term "hermit crab" I've read while grading journals:

Herman Krab < actual capitalization.
hermed grab
hirmit crabe

and my personal favorite:

harmet krayeb < say it aloud. Slowly. Two words: git 'er done. I literally laughed until I cried the first time I saw this and read it to myself.

I'm tempted not to correct their spelling and let them continue their scholastic careers thinking that this is, in fact, how "hermit crab" is spelled.

...and that every creature living in a river is one.

FSQ Day 6

2009-05-18T20:56:00.003-04:00

Out of context this might not be that funny, but we laughed forever about it today. The utter seriousness and concern of this kid's response made it priceless.

Teacher: (joking) Man, I can't stand when Larenz comes into school.
Larenz: I make you happy.

Something else that's funny: my kids fart a lot. I have consulted with other second-grade teachers, and they state that their students are not nearly as gaseous as ours prove to be.

FS...P.

2009-05-13T22:18:00.003-04:00

No one said anything funny today (that I heard, I'm sure).

However, I would like to talk a little bit about pictures children draw of their teachers. Because according to various portraits drawn my students, I:

- am 6 feet tall
- am African American
- am wearing a ballgown
- wear giant scrunchies
- often wear a yellow skirt
- am white. As in, completely outlined in white colored pencil that doesn't show up on paper, with brown/blue/purple/yellow features. This is more than their acknowledgement of my being Caucasian, evidently I am just a floating aura?

Too bad I don't have a camera.

FSQ #2

2009-05-12T18:58:00.001-04:00

"Can you make jelly out of chipmunk blood?"